In Loving Memory of
Kenneth Charles Ryan Gosse
August 21, 1984 - August 4, 2002
This is a beautiful and loving gift to Ryan and his family from Susie, Mom to Angel Jason
Kenneth Charles Ryan Gosse, son of Sharon and Kenneth Gosse,
brother of Stephen, Renee and Bryanna Gosse
Nearly 15 years have passed since our son, Ryan, went to Heaven. How can you live this long without someone who means so very much to you? My answer is that we have no choice. My husband always says to me, "This will never be easy." I believe he is right. So here I am. Another year has come and gone. August 4th, is the day I
hate. It is the day that my precious, firstborn son had to leave this earth.
Nothing will ever be the same. It has been five years and this is the first time
I've actually been able to acknowledge that fact. It hurts so bad to think it
has been that long since I've touched my son or heard his sweet voice. We were
so very close
and I know you can all relate.
When I woke up, I was thinking about 15 years going by without seeing Ryan, and I ached inside. I also thought about how my grandfather had died, over thirty years ago. I knew my Dad would be thinking about this too, so I gave him a call. We remembered Ryan and Paw Paw together. My Dad imagined that they were having a great time together in Heaven. I said that when Paw Paw saw Ryan coming,
he probably felt like he was getting his son back. Ryan was like my Dad in many ways.
There is also more irony that I can't understand. When my Dad was 17, he was also involved in a terrible car accident. The doctors had pronounced him dead, and he was covered with a sheet. My Paw Paw went into a nearby restroom and cried out to God to spare his son, John. They say you could hear him groaning all through the hospital hallways. After a while, Paw Paw walked over and pulled the sheet from my Dad's face. My Dad's eyes opened. It was a miracle. My Dad was alive, but he had to learn to walk and talk all over again. So, his parents actually raised him two times. This is why he was so extremely close to them.
When I try to understand why my Dad lived and Ryan did not, I simply don't know the answer. When I saw Ryan lying motionless in the emergency room, it was the first thing I thought about. If God did it once, surely He'd do it again. My husband prayed and asked God to bring life back into Ryan's body, but it did not happen. I kissed Ryan and spoke in his ear, saying, "I love you, and I'm so sorry."
I held his hand for what seemed like forever. His spirit had left his body, but I believe in my heart that he heard me that day.
So, I told my Dad that I was so sorry for all the pain he's felt after losing his Dad. He said, "It's getting better." Can you believe that? It's been thirty years, and it's "getting better!" I decided maybe I was too hard on myself sometimes, and need to let the tears out even when it seems inappropriate. It only represents my undying love for my son, Ryan. That love will never cease to exist.
My Dad has also taken the loss of Ryan very hard. He called him Baby Ryan all of his life. He wished it had been him instead of Ryan.
I tell Dad I am just so grateful that I still have him in my life. Sometimes I go over to my parents house and just fall in their arms
and weep. They hold me and cry with me. We don't need words. The tears say it all.
Ryan, I love you and I'm missing you so much. You are my HEART! Love, Mom XOXOXOXOXO
This year I feel a little numb. I don't know how to feel. I'm just here and
he isn't...once again. I keep looking for signs from him. Sometimes I get them
and other times I don't get anything. I miss him terribly and I always will.
Today, I was thinking about how I can still remember everything about him as a
mother would. So, for any of you who may be worried about forgetting...you
won't. Also, I feel alone...very alone this year. We no longer attend our church and my daughter
starts a new school on Monday. I know people care, but they still seem to not
know what to do or say....well, at least say something!
These five special gifts for Angel Ryan are from my friend Marie.
You can visit her website for her son Rob here ~ Rob Northrop's Site.
In 2005, Ryan's 21st Birthday...
It was Sunday, August the 21st, and somehow I thought he would show up for this special birthday. We had just celebrated his sister, Renee's, birthday on Saturday, and now I wanted to celebrate his. We had thought of getting away, but my youngest daughter, Bryanna, was sick, so we stayed home this year.
I felt unsettled all day on Sunday, as if searching and waiting for Ryan to stop by for a visit. I had anticipated this day for so many months now, and surely he'd be here. This time would be different, but it wasn't. When my alarm went off on Sunday morning, I broke into sobs. It was if someone had pushed a button on me and I cried as if I'd been crying all night. I felt helpless, hopeless, sad, angry, and disappointed all at the same time. Ryan should be here. How could 10 years go by and the feeling still be "right there", so fresh, as if his accident were yesterday. How can others know that this is how it is? My husband came over to comfort me. He is not always able to do so. Then, I remembered that my son, Stephen, was at home. He is not here as much anymore because of his work schedule. I went quickly and found him laying on the couch reading a book. I didn't hesitate and climbed right on top of him. I told him I loved him. He said, "I know you do." I said I was so glad he was here. I rubbed the muscles of his upper arm, just as I often did Ryan's. I stayed there for about twenty minutes and he didn't seem bothered by it. This was special. This was good.
Later, my husband went to church and he put balloons at the gazebo that we had erected there in Ryan's honor. "Happy 21st Birthday" for all to see. He placed a notebook inside the gazebo so that friends could stop by and "leave a memory". I chose not to go out to church that morning, but when my daughter brought the notebook home to me, I was deeply touched by all who had written a little message. The first one to sign the book was my son, Stephen. This meant so much to me. I had wondered what he would even think of the idea. He wrote about how he missed Ryan and that a birthday in Heaven must be awesome. He signed it as "your best friend". That's what they were and "are". Others had never met Ryan, but had heard so much about him. Some had watched him grow up from a baby. Others said he was their best friend too. Some said he was the first they longed to see in Heaven. One lady said Ryan was watching us all the time and that he was always there. It let me know that in the midst of all the unspoken words, so many still think of him and miss him.
We also put balloons at the roadside where his accident occurred. I lit several candles at home and knew that friends and family were lighting them too. Still, all day I kept thinking I needed to do more. Nothing was enough.. I tried talking about him with my daughter, but she stayed silent and I got the message. I thought of watching an old family video, but knew I wasn't ready. I couldn't go through pictures or I'd lose it and the girls didn't need that.So, I just had my own conversation with Ryan and told him how very much I loved him and missed him. I wished him a happy 21st birthday and told him I couldn't wait to see him again. That seemed all that I could do and it would never be enough for someone so close to my heart, someone who "is" my heart. After that, I played a game with my girls and we laughed together. Ryan would have liked that. He would always say, "Mom, you need to laugh more."
"My Son, Ryan"
His smile lights up any room, as it lights up Heaven now.
His laughter makes you want to join in, it lightens your heart somehow.
His desire to help others makes him seem wise beyond his years.
His character speaks volumes and alleviates your parent fears..
You say to him, "You're too good to be true."
And he smiles a sheepish grin.
You can't believe he belongs to you and you wonder how you ever deserved him.
He gives you hugs and kisses freely every single day.
He even dances with you and you want that special moment to stay.
He says "I love you" and waits for your answer in return.
He already knows what's important in life, while it takes others years to learn.
He's handsome from head to toe and everyone seems to notice but him.
It never goes to his head, it's just who he is.
He wants to achieve and make his parents proud.
His deep seeded desire speaks out very loud.
His grades are impeccable and his talents soar.
He's called the "whole package", and who could ask for more.
He's the son that everyone hopes to have one day.
He's has set an example that can never go away.
He is my son, Ryan, and he always will be.
The love we share will last throughout all of eternity.
l love you forever, Ryan. Mom XOXOXO
Ryan was and "is" a wonderful son. He was truly a gift to us. We knew it while
he was here and we know it even more now. He was a respectful, young
man...always saying, "Yes ma'am or yes sir." He gave me at least one hug every
day and usually a kiss. He loved me and was proud of his Mom and Dad. He
always thought of others. He worked in the children's ministry at our church. He
performed on stage in many Christian plays within our church. He portrayed
Christ justa month before his accident. He had tears in his eyes...even during
rehearsals. He was a gifted puppeteer and he loved to laugh or make others
laugh. Most especially, he loved to make me laugh and often did. I miss my Ryan.
My heart is still broken. There is a hole that can't be filled. He was handsome
His smile was beautiful and still is I know.
I am waiting for the day when we'll be reunited.
I will hug him and not want to
let go...not ever.
Sharon (Ryan's Mom Forever 8/21/84 - 8/4/02 XOXOXOXOXOXO)
I remember Ryan getting the Hallmark "Kissing Bears" from his girlfriend, Ali, for Valentine's Day. He was so proud of those bears and always sat them on his bed just below his pillow. Their little mouths were magnetized and would stick together in a kiss.
Ryan and I had this ongoing, fun-filled battle with those bears. Every time I came into his room to look for any extra laundry, I would pull the bears apart, and just let them hug instead of kissing. I guess we'd had various talks about intimacy and being careful, etc., so I always changed the kiss to a hug. When Ryan would come in from school and see the bears hugging, he'd immediately change them so that they were kissing again. I'd see them and smile, and then I'd change them back. One day, we were both in his room and the bears were kissing again. I said, "I keep fixing those bears so that they hug and somehow they always end up kissing again." He smiled and said, "I know, but they're supposed to kiss. They're kissing bears." After that, I left the bears alone. What could it hurt? I knew he loved Ali with all his heart and hoped to marry her one day, but I also knew he wanted a college education first. I was just trying to keep him focused
and just being a Mom.
A few months after Ryan was called to Heaven, Ali came over for a visit. Her visits are always hard because she still represents Ryan to me. When I see her, I expect to see him. Even my little girl will ask, "Where's Ry Ry?" whenever she sees Ali. It hurts so much. On this particular visit, I went into Ryan's room and quickly brought out the kissing bears. I said, "I think Ryan would want you to keep these since you gave them to him." She smiled with tears in her eyes. Then I told her about the fun we'd had changing them from kissing to hugging. She said she knew all about it because Ryan had told her. That made me feel proud. She went on to say that he talked about me a lot and said loved talking to his Mom and could talk to me about anything. I'm so glad he felt this way. Oh, to have one of those talks again!
I am missing Ryan so terribly. I didn't even know I had this memory about Ryan until I started thinking about those bears
that always sat on his bed.
Ryan's Mom Forever XOXOXO
I do feel a great deal of guilt about Ryan's accident, unfortunately. He came to me and asked if he could go and see a movie with two of his friends from church. I hesitated, and said we might all go see the laser show at Stone Mountain when Bryanna woke up from her nap. He made a frown and said he'd already talked to his friends and they really wanted to go. They were expecting him to pick them up. When I found out what movie he was going to see, I said, "You've already seen that one. I know what you want to do. You just want to go and see it with them and have a good laugh." He smiled at me and said yes. So, I said he could go if it was okay with Dad. I don't even know how many 17, almost 18 year old, boys still ask their parents about going out with friends. I just know that if I'd said no,
he wouldn't have gone that day. I know Ryan.
I think about the car he took that day. It was a 1989 Oldsmobile, an older car, but a dependable one. He'd driven it so many times. Ryan was a good driver and had even taken a driver's defense course with his Dad. I wonder if he'd been in a newer model with an air bag, if he'd still be here today. So, I begin to feel we should have provided a better vehicle for our family. He had his own Honda, but he didn't take it that day. The other driver had an air bag and still did not survive, but I still feel Ryan having one would have helped because he suffered severe chest injuries and this took his life. I go around in circles, and I know you know that feeling. This is the biggest area
where I feel guilt. Some say, nothing would have made any difference. It was "his time." I'm just not sure about that yet.
I also have a hard time with pictures. If I do look at them, it's very quick. I kiss them and then put them away. Why can't I look at my son? It hurts too much! It makes me want what I know I cannot have. This might get better with time...
I may be invisible to your sight
But I'm forever here
You may not hear me speak
But I'm forever whispering in your ear
You may not feel my touch
But I'm forever by your side
You may not feel my presence
But I'm forever going to remind you
my soul has NOT died
You may not see my face
But I'm forever smiling at you
You may not know I'm there
But I'm forever watching what you do
I may not breathe the same air
But I'm forever holding you
And though I can not be seen
I'm forever, like my love for you.
~ Author unknown
For Ryan With Love ~
"Grieve not, nor speak of me with tears,
but laugh and talk of me as if I were
beside you there..."
Isla Paschal Richardson
A small gift is attached for the Gosse family. May God bless
you and comfort you always.
GEOFFREY P. EDWARDS
My Angel Son Michael
In Loving Memory of Lee Henry Aguilera
A friend can hear a tear drop.
This webpage is created
In Loving Memory of Ryan Gosse
on July 21, 2007
Last updated: August 5, 2017
© 2007 - 2017
Maria's Tribute to Christopher